6 November 2007

Looking Back...

... if I look back, I see... my shadow... my shadows being my past self... like the Linkin park song.... Sorry just a little idea that popped into my head ;)

FIRST THING. Well, I've ditched my old Windows Live Spaces b/c I got NO comments on there so I've jumped over here instead. Anytime I feel like a blog I will chuck it on here and hopefully it won't be a waste!

Anyway. Back to the reason for being here.

After reading Frank's blog at http://www.myspace.com/frankb77, I felt like making my own contribution to the community about, well, me. Nothing too long.

Most of the stuff I write usually goes in my diary... which isn't really a diary because I just write it up on the computer and file it away somewhere... but I felt like just maybe making a summary.

The last few months... even the last few years, have been so dramatically changing for me. Two years ago I was filled with jealousy and major, major regret for doing bad things but one night I got so desperate, and I don't know how, but all the darkness turned into light... I changed Envy into Admiration. A sin into a virtue. Respect. Appreciation. And ever since, I have never had jealousy... but instead, I just get really, really strong admiration for people. Instead of hating people for having good characteristics, I could like them.

In the last 6 months I have massively changed. Because I hated my appearance so much, looking back at pictures of me, I just felt a really strong feeling to change. I didn't want everyone to look at the dull, boring loser I once was.

So I changed both phyiscally and mentally. I started straightening my hair. I've been trying out eye contacts. I've bought new clothes from Primark, Topman, JJB and Blue Inc. I have converses-look-alikes. Dark jeans. Sexier shirts ;)

My mind has also opened a lot. I've just started work again, I work in a restuarant and I LOVE IT. It's better than college!

I went to my first gig EVER which was Black Hearts and White Lies at the Walthamstow Standard which was AMAZING just dancing all night.

I also developed an interest in keeping fit. After picking up a protein-supplement leaflet I saw how sexy many of the guys looked and... as you know... instead of feeling jealous, they felt like idols to me. It made me feel like changing myself. Not for appreciation, but to feel good about myself. To "see" myself getting ripped!!!

But... and here's the weird and freaky part... I also changed in my sexuality. Guys now seem quite good-looking to me. You know, the sexy emo hair. Not dyed black, just... down and... well, I'm not gonna say anymore. Girls are still very sexy, though. Very sexy ;) But guys with sexy hair or muscles... you know... wearing short-sleeves or tank tops... I dunno. It's just sexy.

So what goes from here? I guess the next stage for me is to try and find some new friends. I am actaully slightly more "confident", if you want to put it that way, but I have always had confidence, ambition, enthusiasm and motivation ever since doing my project in Art & Design (god I love my artwork so much, just like I love Snow Patrol's music... lol) I just feel like talking to people now, I feel like connecting, instead of hiding away. I know I sound "emo" but I'm not.

One thing I must say is that I have always been true to myself. In fact, I don't know how to be "false" to myself!!!

But yeah, my attitude towards life has changed, I guess. Being a very organised person, I have sorted everything out, and can prioritise everything with ease. My insomnia which I've had for the last 2 months is now diappearing, YAY!!!

The quote from my MSN is the best thing here. "It's the journey that made me so strong." Snow Patrol. Basically I think it means that in order to get stronger, you need to fail first. You need to be weak first, you need to have sins and bad stuff in order to get better. And the quote is just sort of saying, depression was actually good for me, because it made me cleverer and strongerer XD lol

Luca Macis

Im glad to see your back on track. I mean i did notice you wern't that sociable at King Harold but we all knew that you we're a nice person and tried to get you involved. We probaly done little but i like to think we helped you a little to get to where you are now. Even if the changes are so much later on then secondary school.

Btw i did read the blogs on ur msn space thing but this is soooo much easier for me. lol

Keep on rocking :-P
Posted by Luca Macis on [07 Nov 2007 | Wednesday] - 11:01 PM
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Trebor™ XstraightedgeX
Robert Cathles

hi luca thnx for the comment dude :D

yh i guess i do owe a lot to you guys really. inviting me out and all that :) cheers man ;) i suppose its just sort of everything really thats changed me and opened up, but all you guys probably better at pulling me out of the house :) haha lol i sound drunk!!!

And thanks for reading all my msn spaces crap. it was just getting a bit lonely on there i guess...

You rock man :) Here, have some kudos things. They'll do for now until I can think of a way to make it up for all you guys. (lol i definitely sound drunk now... lol)
Posted by Trebor™ XstraightedgeX on [08 Nov 2007 | Thursday] - 12:16 AM
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Brillant blog, I might not know ya, but I think you're rather brave, how you found yourself, andnot scared to say that you find men attractive and stuff also how you have alot more confidence now.
Keep it up.

(Also yes, you can hire me for valentines day.) =]
Posted by Joshiee on [09 Nov 2007 | Friday] - 2:42 PM
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† The Ice King †
Frank Burtenshaw

"After reading Frank's blog at http://www.myspace.com/frankb77, I felt like making my own contribution to the community about, well, me. Nothing too long."

Glad to see i've contributed dude :P
And yeah, seen a massive change in you since first year at college, it's all good :P
And the quote about snow patrol ... might i recommend some Children of Bodom, Behemoth, Arch Enemy, Dragonforce and Malice Mizer ... you never know, you may like ^_^
Posted by † The Ice King † on [23 Nov 2007 | Friday] - 11:07 PM
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